Spring Break
Hi J.,
Tomorrow I say goodbye to my kids for a week. Letting go of them is always difficult. Remember that first year, J.? It was the hardest by far. I can only hope that this year isn't as difficult. It seems that since losing my mom, my fears of losing someone else have increased. I'm watching and waiting. And that, J., isn't good. I know that God will take care of us and I know that He knows best. I know that I should not worry because that is when my eyes are off Him.
That first night without them seems just like yesterday. My husband was gone on the road in his big truck. The house was still so huge to me then. I wasn't yet used to its sounds and I sure wasn't used to living in something so large. We didn't have any pets and I was all alone. My daughter was getting ready to turn 7 years old and my son would soon turn 4 years old. They were just babies. It had been difficult to sleep that night but somehow I managed to fall asleep.
I was dreaming about the kids. They were in Indiana....but I didn't know where they were. And then someone told me Rikki had died. I don't remember details but I remember desperately trying to find my baby. Where had they taken her? It couldn't be true and then there she was, lying in a casket. Her little face looking just as it did when she slept. I sat straight up in bed, crying and terrified. I started to go to her but then I remembered she wasn't there. I had to talk to her. I had to. I dialed my mother's house and when she answered I demanded to speak to Rikki. My mother wanted to know what was wrong. I insisted that nothing was wrong I just wanted to talk to Rikki. She let me know it was 5:30 in the morning. I didn't care. She woke my baby and put her on the phone. Oh was I so relieved to hear her voice.
To this day, J., that dream brings tears to my eyes. Learning how to let go of them and put them in God's care was a hard lesson for me that first year. But I did it. It took a few weeks but I did it. Each year has gotten easier and easier. My heart still aches but I'm secure in God's arms and I know He'll work His will. And no matter what happens, I have God to pull me through.
Tomorrow I'll drive them to Missouri where we will meet up with their Dad and stepmother. We'll share lunch and talk and catch up with the kids and I'll find out their plans. Then as soon as I can, I'll tell them that I need to go. I need to get them to leave or I might not want them to go at all. And I don't want their dad falling asleep while driving. I want to end the day so that I can get that phone call that they are in Indiana safe and sound. I trust my driving not anyone else's. (we both know that comes from losing Rick) It took me years to be comfortable driving with my husband. And it took a long time to even let the kids' dad take them anywhere. I will do almost anything to avoid riding as a passenger. I've gotten better over the years but I still have a difficult time.
We'll move baggage and I'll hug and kiss the kids goodbye. I'll tell my daughter to watch over my son and he'll do his best to "suck it up" until they've pulled away. I will too. I refuse to cry in front of them and I wait til they are gone. I'll drive for a while or I will head over to a store to buy myself a "comfort" gift. Then I will cry on the way home and eventually, my tears will dry and I'll perk up. I will focus on getting home safe. I'll make the normal calls to my dad and my brothers to tell them I have done my part. Then I'll call again to tell them when I get home. They are worried too.
By the time I get home, I'm ready to be in a celebratory mood with my husband who, unlike me handles their departure alot better. He just shuts it down. He looks forward to his "comfort" gift and treat of having my undivided attention. I'll enjoy some time without the kids but usually talk to them a couple times during the week.
Come Saturday, I will head off again to Missouri to meet with them to bring them home. I am ecstatic and my drive is filled with energy and celebration. I usually arrive late but they are there, waiting and smiling and full of hugs and kisses. We share a meal and then I tell them we must go. It will be their Dad's turn to say good-bye and I don't envy him. He has the worst end of the deal. They'll "suck it up" and we'll get in the truck. We start to head out and the tears will flow. Usually from my son first. He has it the hardest.
Pretty soon, he'll be reading or asleep and we will enjoy our ride home. It will have been a long week.
Talk to you soon J.
Tomorrow I say goodbye to my kids for a week. Letting go of them is always difficult. Remember that first year, J.? It was the hardest by far. I can only hope that this year isn't as difficult. It seems that since losing my mom, my fears of losing someone else have increased. I'm watching and waiting. And that, J., isn't good. I know that God will take care of us and I know that He knows best. I know that I should not worry because that is when my eyes are off Him.
That first night without them seems just like yesterday. My husband was gone on the road in his big truck. The house was still so huge to me then. I wasn't yet used to its sounds and I sure wasn't used to living in something so large. We didn't have any pets and I was all alone. My daughter was getting ready to turn 7 years old and my son would soon turn 4 years old. They were just babies. It had been difficult to sleep that night but somehow I managed to fall asleep.
I was dreaming about the kids. They were in Indiana....but I didn't know where they were. And then someone told me Rikki had died. I don't remember details but I remember desperately trying to find my baby. Where had they taken her? It couldn't be true and then there she was, lying in a casket. Her little face looking just as it did when she slept. I sat straight up in bed, crying and terrified. I started to go to her but then I remembered she wasn't there. I had to talk to her. I had to. I dialed my mother's house and when she answered I demanded to speak to Rikki. My mother wanted to know what was wrong. I insisted that nothing was wrong I just wanted to talk to Rikki. She let me know it was 5:30 in the morning. I didn't care. She woke my baby and put her on the phone. Oh was I so relieved to hear her voice.
To this day, J., that dream brings tears to my eyes. Learning how to let go of them and put them in God's care was a hard lesson for me that first year. But I did it. It took a few weeks but I did it. Each year has gotten easier and easier. My heart still aches but I'm secure in God's arms and I know He'll work His will. And no matter what happens, I have God to pull me through.
Tomorrow I'll drive them to Missouri where we will meet up with their Dad and stepmother. We'll share lunch and talk and catch up with the kids and I'll find out their plans. Then as soon as I can, I'll tell them that I need to go. I need to get them to leave or I might not want them to go at all. And I don't want their dad falling asleep while driving. I want to end the day so that I can get that phone call that they are in Indiana safe and sound. I trust my driving not anyone else's. (we both know that comes from losing Rick) It took me years to be comfortable driving with my husband. And it took a long time to even let the kids' dad take them anywhere. I will do almost anything to avoid riding as a passenger. I've gotten better over the years but I still have a difficult time.
We'll move baggage and I'll hug and kiss the kids goodbye. I'll tell my daughter to watch over my son and he'll do his best to "suck it up" until they've pulled away. I will too. I refuse to cry in front of them and I wait til they are gone. I'll drive for a while or I will head over to a store to buy myself a "comfort" gift. Then I will cry on the way home and eventually, my tears will dry and I'll perk up. I will focus on getting home safe. I'll make the normal calls to my dad and my brothers to tell them I have done my part. Then I'll call again to tell them when I get home. They are worried too.
By the time I get home, I'm ready to be in a celebratory mood with my husband who, unlike me handles their departure alot better. He just shuts it down. He looks forward to his "comfort" gift and treat of having my undivided attention. I'll enjoy some time without the kids but usually talk to them a couple times during the week.
Come Saturday, I will head off again to Missouri to meet with them to bring them home. I am ecstatic and my drive is filled with energy and celebration. I usually arrive late but they are there, waiting and smiling and full of hugs and kisses. We share a meal and then I tell them we must go. It will be their Dad's turn to say good-bye and I don't envy him. He has the worst end of the deal. They'll "suck it up" and we'll get in the truck. We start to head out and the tears will flow. Usually from my son first. He has it the hardest.
Pretty soon, he'll be reading or asleep and we will enjoy our ride home. It will have been a long week.
Talk to you soon J.
posted by Unknown | 1:27 PM
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