Acceptance
J.,
I have good news. I'm doing pretty good with this grieving thing. What I'm feeling and how I'm behaving is all within the realm of "normal". Everyone processes things differently. And that makes total sense considering no one has the same experiences in life. Things might be similar but that is it. God made each person unique. Wonderfully unique.
With the help of my counselor, we worked at discovering where I am along the path of grief, if I was handling it appropriately (or in a healthy manner), should I be farther along, why I'm at the stage I'm at and how long I might stay there.
The first thing he had me do was complete a worksheet of needs. It listed 30 needs that every human possesses. Along with those needs were the definitions provided from the bible. I was to mark those that my mother did NOT meet. She accomplished ZERO. I was a bit surprised. Now that isn't to say J., that she didn't ever meet a need. But in general, my mother did not meet a single need. Basically, in short, she wasn't a mother to me in the emotional sense. That explains my quick transition from intense grief to indifference. And that is why I'm still there today, five and a half months later.
I find it quite interesting to "observe" this stage of my grief. And I say observe because I feel as though I'm watching myself from the outside. I rarely feel emotion for the loss of my mother. Every once in a while I will cry but for the most part, I'm kind of indifferent. What an interesting and fitting word for what I feel. Or don't feel. I do not feel the need to be "social" as I did before. I don't want to "hang out" with friends although once in a while I will. I prefer to be at home with my family. Shopping trips to the mall are okay if they are with family. It seems to take alot of energy to be with others. Like I have to switch myself "on". I'm not sad. Just indifferent. I do laugh. I enjoy playing with my kids. I still desire to cook for the family where before my mother's death, I sought ways to get out of the kitchen.
When I asked how long I might stay here, the counselor told me it was up to me. Or rather my willingness to accept what I had learned about my mother and our relationship. He indicated that I could spend a long time at this point in my grief or, once I accepted it, I would easily push past it into the recovery stage. Right now, I'm considering my option. It doesn't make logical sense for me to stay here. I know the truth about my relationship and have for a while. It is one thing to acknowledge a dysfunctional relationship but quite another to have it laid out such as how it was laid out to me. Accepting that down deep is another thing. It means admitting what she was and wasn't to me. Accepting the realization that I truly didn't have a mother. Not in the sense that I should have had one. Some would say that I was lucky to have had her there. Children without mothers wish for what little of a mother I had. But I find myself thinking that I have that and they don't know what they are asking. But they can say the same about me. I did have her physically present but not emotionally. They have nothing.
I was blessed to have been given a father that met all my needs as best he could. I still lacked and he could never fully meet all my needs but he did a wonderful job. My husband, too, has come a long way toward meeting those needs as well. He is understanding about my grief and allows me to grieve when I feel the need.
However long I stay at this point in my grief, I know that the Lord will be there to see me through. He may allow me to stay as long as I want but I have no doubt that should He need for me to move on, I'm sure He'll show me the way. Right now, He's willing but I'm not. I'm not ready to accept that truth yet. I'm sure that when I am, I'll confront the other stuff/people that I need to confront.
Until then, I guess I'm just going to stay where I am.
I have good news. I'm doing pretty good with this grieving thing. What I'm feeling and how I'm behaving is all within the realm of "normal". Everyone processes things differently. And that makes total sense considering no one has the same experiences in life. Things might be similar but that is it. God made each person unique. Wonderfully unique.
With the help of my counselor, we worked at discovering where I am along the path of grief, if I was handling it appropriately (or in a healthy manner), should I be farther along, why I'm at the stage I'm at and how long I might stay there.
The first thing he had me do was complete a worksheet of needs. It listed 30 needs that every human possesses. Along with those needs were the definitions provided from the bible. I was to mark those that my mother did NOT meet. She accomplished ZERO. I was a bit surprised. Now that isn't to say J., that she didn't ever meet a need. But in general, my mother did not meet a single need. Basically, in short, she wasn't a mother to me in the emotional sense. That explains my quick transition from intense grief to indifference. And that is why I'm still there today, five and a half months later.
I find it quite interesting to "observe" this stage of my grief. And I say observe because I feel as though I'm watching myself from the outside. I rarely feel emotion for the loss of my mother. Every once in a while I will cry but for the most part, I'm kind of indifferent. What an interesting and fitting word for what I feel. Or don't feel. I do not feel the need to be "social" as I did before. I don't want to "hang out" with friends although once in a while I will. I prefer to be at home with my family. Shopping trips to the mall are okay if they are with family. It seems to take alot of energy to be with others. Like I have to switch myself "on". I'm not sad. Just indifferent. I do laugh. I enjoy playing with my kids. I still desire to cook for the family where before my mother's death, I sought ways to get out of the kitchen.
When I asked how long I might stay here, the counselor told me it was up to me. Or rather my willingness to accept what I had learned about my mother and our relationship. He indicated that I could spend a long time at this point in my grief or, once I accepted it, I would easily push past it into the recovery stage. Right now, I'm considering my option. It doesn't make logical sense for me to stay here. I know the truth about my relationship and have for a while. It is one thing to acknowledge a dysfunctional relationship but quite another to have it laid out such as how it was laid out to me. Accepting that down deep is another thing. It means admitting what she was and wasn't to me. Accepting the realization that I truly didn't have a mother. Not in the sense that I should have had one. Some would say that I was lucky to have had her there. Children without mothers wish for what little of a mother I had. But I find myself thinking that I have that and they don't know what they are asking. But they can say the same about me. I did have her physically present but not emotionally. They have nothing.
I was blessed to have been given a father that met all my needs as best he could. I still lacked and he could never fully meet all my needs but he did a wonderful job. My husband, too, has come a long way toward meeting those needs as well. He is understanding about my grief and allows me to grieve when I feel the need.
However long I stay at this point in my grief, I know that the Lord will be there to see me through. He may allow me to stay as long as I want but I have no doubt that should He need for me to move on, I'm sure He'll show me the way. Right now, He's willing but I'm not. I'm not ready to accept that truth yet. I'm sure that when I am, I'll confront the other stuff/people that I need to confront.
Until then, I guess I'm just going to stay where I am.
posted by Unknown | 8:41 AM
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