Trying Times
Dear J.,
Let's not even address the amount of time since I have posted a message to you. I posted shortly after my return from Indiana and haven't posted since and you are not going to believe the last five months!
Christmas came and went and it was the best Christmas ever! We decided to only give this year and not to ourselves. We sacrificed our gifts to each other to serve and give to others during the season and it was a breath of fresh, giving, loving air. I've never felt so content within that season in my entire life! I cannot wait for next year and that is the first time I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the season!
The new year has brought many changes about. In December I started having some health issues. I wasn't sure what was causing them and it turned out to be some female things that needed attention. I had a short period of time where I had to entertain the possibility that I had cancer. Instead, I had some ovarian cysts, endometreosis, adhesions, etc. and they ended up requiring some surgery. I was rather silent on that subject, drawing on God and my church family for most of my strength. Surgery was outpatient and I am due for my checkup next week. At that point, I believe that the doctor will assure me that a total hysterectomy will need to be done. With my mother's history of cervical cancer and my current problems that have not eased but gotten worse, it is the safest bet. One that I'm okay with for the most part. I don't have the emotional hangups many women have when having to entertain one of these procedures at the age I'm at though and that is a good thing. The other thing is, my health is my priority. With the way God has made me, I can only do what I can do to be as healthy as I can and accommodate my body the best I can. I have a good doctor and I trust him. And, to beat all, God is sure of it so that makes me sure as well.
I missed only about 3 days of work and no one knew a thing other than the couple I had told. Now, come time for the total, well, I'll have to include some people I didn't include before.
I'd love to write about my daughter J., but I can't right now. Putting it all into words and translating my feelings and what may be to come is just too much right now. She is having some trouble negotiating some teen territories. Like most teens she is testing to the extreme boundaries, rules, boys, etc. It has been a long five months.
Lent brought a time for sacrifice and remembrance of what my Jesus did for us so long ago. The practice of Lent is something I look forward to each year. It is the best time of year for me to grow closer to my God and break habits that I know interfere with my relationship with the Lord. A new year's resolution is never any good in my book. But a sacrifice for Lent? Well, that lends a whole lot more motivation and pure desire to change into the equation. The commitment is not unto myself but unto my God. His sacrifice (His life, His blood) is the ultimate and if he could withstand the cross and bearing my sins, then surely I can abstain something I'm addicted to or worship in some form or another.
I don't have too many habits that are wrong but one I do have is reading and purchasing gossip magazines. Those entertainment magazines that aren't really about entertainment but more about the dirt on the relationships of the people that make up that world. I am also a people watcher. One who watches and learns from human behavior. I study it and read about it and learn from it. That, coupled with the way that entertainment people behave in their situations, fascinates me. I had begun pouring alot of money each week into those magazines (most of which say the same thing) last year when I was recovering from my knee surgery. I was spending maybe $25 per week on them. Reading them like they were going out of style. That adds up financially, it sucks up alot of my time (time that could be spent with my family and/or God) and to top it off, that stuff really isn't any of my business. But the behavior part still fascinates me. Regardless, I sacrificed those for lent. And ended up giving up something so much more difficult that it made giving those magazines up a piece of cake. Apparently, I'm not nearly as addicted as I had first thought.
I think maybe that in my prayers to God about what to sacrifice, He thought that I might learn a better lesson and He apparently wanted to be closer to me. I gave up something much more dear to me than the latest gossip from Hollywood. I gave up my family. In the time it took to receive a phone call, my family was stolen from me in the flash of an eye. I've never felt so helpless in all my life. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. With God's grace and healing, someday, it might be better but for now, my family is not a family as most people define that word.
Praising God through this time of trial is the best part. Watching Him work is another great part. The hurting part though, bites monkey feet if I may say so. Without volunteering, the entire family is now on this wild ride and we cannot get off until someone allows us to get off. Control is not in our hands but God's. That is where we have left our control anyway. We can only hope that those that are involved have also given Him the reins. If not, we could be in for some serious problems. I have faith in my God and I know that He will work everything according to His will.
I cannot begin to explain how I feel or what it is about. I can only tell you J., that if I thought my mother's passing was difficult, or being cheated on by my ex husband, or any of the other things I have had to endure were terrible, this is worse.
One day soon, J., I'll share with you. Gotta go.
Let's not even address the amount of time since I have posted a message to you. I posted shortly after my return from Indiana and haven't posted since and you are not going to believe the last five months!
Christmas came and went and it was the best Christmas ever! We decided to only give this year and not to ourselves. We sacrificed our gifts to each other to serve and give to others during the season and it was a breath of fresh, giving, loving air. I've never felt so content within that season in my entire life! I cannot wait for next year and that is the first time I can honestly say I'm looking forward to the season!
The new year has brought many changes about. In December I started having some health issues. I wasn't sure what was causing them and it turned out to be some female things that needed attention. I had a short period of time where I had to entertain the possibility that I had cancer. Instead, I had some ovarian cysts, endometreosis, adhesions, etc. and they ended up requiring some surgery. I was rather silent on that subject, drawing on God and my church family for most of my strength. Surgery was outpatient and I am due for my checkup next week. At that point, I believe that the doctor will assure me that a total hysterectomy will need to be done. With my mother's history of cervical cancer and my current problems that have not eased but gotten worse, it is the safest bet. One that I'm okay with for the most part. I don't have the emotional hangups many women have when having to entertain one of these procedures at the age I'm at though and that is a good thing. The other thing is, my health is my priority. With the way God has made me, I can only do what I can do to be as healthy as I can and accommodate my body the best I can. I have a good doctor and I trust him. And, to beat all, God is sure of it so that makes me sure as well.
I missed only about 3 days of work and no one knew a thing other than the couple I had told. Now, come time for the total, well, I'll have to include some people I didn't include before.
I'd love to write about my daughter J., but I can't right now. Putting it all into words and translating my feelings and what may be to come is just too much right now. She is having some trouble negotiating some teen territories. Like most teens she is testing to the extreme boundaries, rules, boys, etc. It has been a long five months.
Lent brought a time for sacrifice and remembrance of what my Jesus did for us so long ago. The practice of Lent is something I look forward to each year. It is the best time of year for me to grow closer to my God and break habits that I know interfere with my relationship with the Lord. A new year's resolution is never any good in my book. But a sacrifice for Lent? Well, that lends a whole lot more motivation and pure desire to change into the equation. The commitment is not unto myself but unto my God. His sacrifice (His life, His blood) is the ultimate and if he could withstand the cross and bearing my sins, then surely I can abstain something I'm addicted to or worship in some form or another.
I don't have too many habits that are wrong but one I do have is reading and purchasing gossip magazines. Those entertainment magazines that aren't really about entertainment but more about the dirt on the relationships of the people that make up that world. I am also a people watcher. One who watches and learns from human behavior. I study it and read about it and learn from it. That, coupled with the way that entertainment people behave in their situations, fascinates me. I had begun pouring alot of money each week into those magazines (most of which say the same thing) last year when I was recovering from my knee surgery. I was spending maybe $25 per week on them. Reading them like they were going out of style. That adds up financially, it sucks up alot of my time (time that could be spent with my family and/or God) and to top it off, that stuff really isn't any of my business. But the behavior part still fascinates me. Regardless, I sacrificed those for lent. And ended up giving up something so much more difficult that it made giving those magazines up a piece of cake. Apparently, I'm not nearly as addicted as I had first thought.
I think maybe that in my prayers to God about what to sacrifice, He thought that I might learn a better lesson and He apparently wanted to be closer to me. I gave up something much more dear to me than the latest gossip from Hollywood. I gave up my family. In the time it took to receive a phone call, my family was stolen from me in the flash of an eye. I've never felt so helpless in all my life. Nothing is the same. Nothing will ever be the same. With God's grace and healing, someday, it might be better but for now, my family is not a family as most people define that word.
Praising God through this time of trial is the best part. Watching Him work is another great part. The hurting part though, bites monkey feet if I may say so. Without volunteering, the entire family is now on this wild ride and we cannot get off until someone allows us to get off. Control is not in our hands but God's. That is where we have left our control anyway. We can only hope that those that are involved have also given Him the reins. If not, we could be in for some serious problems. I have faith in my God and I know that He will work everything according to His will.
I cannot begin to explain how I feel or what it is about. I can only tell you J., that if I thought my mother's passing was difficult, or being cheated on by my ex husband, or any of the other things I have had to endure were terrible, this is worse.
One day soon, J., I'll share with you. Gotta go.
posted by Unknown | 10:54 AM
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