Future Thoughts

What to do....a couple months ago, the agency that I work for announced a reorganization of my division. That is quite an understatement considering the chosen way that the leaders of this action announced and are implementing it. The chosen catchphrase is "Transforming HUD". Merriam Webster defines transforming as;
 1

a : to change in composition or structure

b : to change the outward form or appearance of

c : to change in character or condition : convert

2

: to subject to mathematical transformation

 

Well, they are certainly aiming for a transformation, that's for sure. And they are not merely stopping with a divisional impact, they have chosen to close 16 "small" offices as well. I want to note that the catchphrase mentioned earlier is important to note. It notes the agency, not JUST a division. The entire intent and goals are within two words.  A lot of employees nationwide are overlooking this or are simply ignoring them. Some can afford to do that because they are not impacted at this point in time. 

 

Anyway, moving on. The announcement was made April 23, 2013 via webcast. 16 small offices would be closed altogether, starting IMMEDIATELY, and to be completed by September 30, 2013.  Following this action, all offices within the Multifamily division will be condensed to 10 offices nationwide. That's 86 offices condensed to 10. Employees will be given, at max, 3 choices. Resign, Retire, or Relocate. Of course there are possibilities of a buyout (varying amounts according to time in the agency), buyout with retirement (if eligible), and relocation benefits (again, amount dependent upon the length of service agreement that is signed). The transformation will occur in waves over a two year time period. I am in the first wave (of course I am).

 

Someone I love suggested that I journal about this without emotion. I'm going to do that here, now. As best I can. The entire thing is very emotionally charged for me. However, in order to reach the best decision, I need to journal, at least once, without emotion as best I can. So here goes. 

 

Options, options, options. So far as I see it, at this point, they appear to be limited. Resign, retire, relocate. I want to break these down and look at them. Really look at them. What are the possibilities? What do they look like? No one really knows the future or what it holds. We each have a perceived sense of security when, in fact, that sense of security can be swept out from underneath us in a hot little second. However, we have a reasonable expectation that we will wake up each day, that we will go to work, school, etc. and that that will continue on a daily basis. We continue on in that sense of security until it is shaken by a health crises, maybe an accident, or weather occurs to shake that up. I worry about a lot of this stuff because in my life, turmoil and trauma occur OFTEN. Too often for me get caught up in a lot of these perceived sense of securities. Well, except for my JOB. It is the one thing I have been able to rely on. It is what provides my shelter, my nourishment, my ability to live. I work for the government so I'm secure. NOT ANYMORE.

 

Ok...moving on. Right now I'm looking at exploring Resigning/Relocation. I currently am in "the bubble". I am on the verge of being able to retire but I almost have the time and age. I'm in a bit of a predicament. There are a lot of things that are dependent upon timing. And without knowledge of the exact options which will be presented upon "official notification", it's hard to proceed and make a firm decision. We'll go with the supposition that the offer is that the agency will fulfill my time and age requirements for retirement eligibility and in addition, I also qualify for a $25,000(pre tax) buyout. According to calculations recently made by the agency benefits rep, I would take a 75% paycut for retirement. The buyout, after taxes, will amount to somewhere close to $17,000. Health benefits are included in this package for retirees.

Resigning (without retirement eligibility) with a $25,000 buyout is the other option. Here, I would receive about $17,000 buyout but would lose the monthly paycheck for retirement, and the medical benefits. There is a possibility of severance pay for a year, but no buyout package. Again, the situation has to make one eligible.

Resigning/retiring both involve leaving my current position which leaves me in a financial pickle.  I have debt that needs to be addressed. I have vehicles that need to be paid for. I need shelter, food and clothing. I need to be able to LIVE and not just survive. How will the financial obligations be taken care of? How will I be able to rid myself of the debt and free myself of that burden? If freed from that burden? Where will I go next? Where's my shelter? What will life look like without HUD? What will I do with my time? Where will I work? Will I work? Or will I do mission work? What will it be like to live with the faith that God will provide instead of HUD providing? Certainly God is more dependent and faithful than HUD. What will it look like to let go of that security and step out in faith that will challenge me in ways that I have not been challenged before? 

There's a part of me that really likes the idea of leaving HUD if merely for the break of the complicated world that is multifamily. Then there's the part of me that is afraid to take the leap of faith and depend on others (or God) for that matter, if I'm totally honest.  Depend on others? Me? I've been let down enough by those that I should have been able to entrust with my well being. I have learned over and over that if you want/need something done, I must do it myself. I have had to fight for everything. I find asking for help very difficult because of that. I have spent my life being there for others, helping, however I can. And fighting for myself. And even when I had to fight for myself, I've ended up losing relationships with loved ones because of it. I guess, in my mind, what was learned was, anytime I stood up for my self, my needs, my relationship, the other involved parties said "see ya later". In order to keep relationships, I would always have to be the one to provide whatever was required for the others and at the same time, sacrifice my own needs. 

Aside from my father, and my cousin, no one has ever WILLINGLY, CONSISTENTLY, and UNCONDITIONALLY loved me and protected that love and taken care of me. No one has ever joined me in a partnership where the balance was sought and we worked together consistently to make things work. Oh there were times when it would occasionally happen. That's why there are so many failures. I had hope that things would change and that would occur. I had enough "teasers" to keep me working toward that picture. I wanted what God outlines in Corinthians II when He defines love. 

What do relationships have to do with what, to me, on the surface, looks like a financial decision? Apparently relationships are at the heart of my security needs. They are not the sole root of the problem but they are certainly entwined together. As a child, I grew up in a not so nice house, it was clean and we ate well. We weren't poor but we didn't have a new home, etc. My parents divorced when I was a tween, I was molested by two different family members, I went to school with kids where the majority of them lived in much nicer homes than mine and dressed a lot nicer than I did. I was made fun of for that and for the town I lived in. It was a nice little town but was considered by some to be the "wrong side of the tracks" kind of town. I have always been generous in my relationships, eager and willing to show others that my love for them was unconditional. That I would do anything possible to show them that our relationship was important to me. I'm not claiming that I was perfect at it. I failed. A lot but I was more aware of those types of things than most kids/teens. My dad was also the type of person to value relationships, etc. and he had an amazing gift of reading people/behavior and he passed that onto me. Growing up, I had one "peer" that has proved to be the one and only relationship that is healthy. My cousin. She and I are as close as sisters and we grew up together. There is not a time in my life that she was not there. We have a bond that surpasses time and distance. We feel each other across hundreds of miles. We don't argue. We talk. We really communicate and always have. We allow each other to be themselves without fear of judgment or condemnation. 

 

I think that, for me, having the security of a solid and healthy relationship bolsters my sense of self confidence. I have lost self confidence and I fear failure. Knowing I'm loved and valued gives me the boost I need to assert myself and challenge those difficulties in life. God loves me. I know this. I also know that I am like Adam. I need a partner in life that will complete me as well as grow with me and me with Him. A man that will be my "other half" literally, as God made Eve for Adam. 

 

As I sit and think about these future choices that will need to be made, I realize that as I have thought about all my options (not just what I have written about here), it is being made clear that no matter what I have thought of, all the possibles I have felt more confident of, involve a partner with me. The rest, I feel scared and unsure.  All of the possibilities involve stepping out on some level of faith because everything I know is changing. Changes upon changes. Upheaval after upheaval. Life without HUD, Life with HUD in a new state, with new people, a new place to live, new places, new job description, all of them are huge-antic changes. 

I want to do mission work. I want to do something for Catherine. Is it possible that God would move me so quickly into that field? Will the financial aspect be taken care of? Will I go into this alone? What about the kids? Maybe it is time to move on to a new job...maybe I retire, take the buyout and work for another company. Maybe I won't make as much money but maybe I won't need as much either. So many questions. I wish I could say that as I have written this that an answer has suddenly come to me. No. It sure has not. What has come to light over the last couple months since the announcement was made is I have more than 3 options...I have possibilities and as I lean closer and closer to God again, I am having my eyes opened to those possibilities and I'm more open to what God may have in store for me.  I can begin to picture a new life. A different life. As He opens my mind and heart, I can see more and more. By the time the choice comes (or maybe before or after) I know that God will indeed show me the answer. I'm hoping that He will "hit me with a brick" to make sure I get the message. The most important question I have is am I meant to do this alone or will my God place me with the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with to share this change with me? Of all the questions, that's the one that rises to the top of the list. That wasn't what I expected but that's the one question HUD can't answer. Hmmm...