As I Struggle...
WoW...I sit here, wondering where to start. There's so much. So let me start by rambling a bit and see what sorts out. It's been a rather cool summer, by Oklahoma standards. The humidity is crazy high but the temps have made it somewhat easier to bare. We had rain in July for the first time in years and here it is August and it's in the 70s and 80s and raining still!!! This past weekend, my daughter and I drove out to a cemetery that sits in the heart of the "middle of nowhere". The drive is very scenic, offering views of the Oklahoma countryside and it's gorgeous and GREEN. In August. It's green. That hasn't happened since I've lived here. By August, the grasses are brown and dead and the lawn mower was getting a rest. I think that's worth a mention, if not for readers unfamiliar with our part of the country, than for my memory's sake when I have left here and have moved on to a different place.
There's been a lot going on for me in recent weeks. I spent some time in the crapper. And, by that, I mean, I've spent some time "down in the dumps", or in a depressed mood, however you want to see it. It's made writing difficult. Sometimes I put a roadblock on myself and I can't write. I am anxious. I looked over my past writings so I could make sure that I didn't repeat myself too much in this post. In the past weeks, we have seen the negotiations completed for the SOC (small office closures) and the MOU (memorandum of understanding) for that set of employees.
With all that happening, there were the rumors of what was happening for our group, had negotiations started? When? What was going on? How will the notices come to us? Will they come in our personal mail? Or will they be delivered to our respective HUD offices and be handed out? How much time will we have? Last week, we received word that the last two days of our furlough had been cancelled. That was a boost for us. Our morale has been so low lately. Up until last week, I was sinking farther and farther into a hole. My bad attitude was taking over and carrying over into my time at the office and that was my signal that I needed to do something in order to deal with myself. So I took a day off. A mental health day. It was the best thing I could have done. Somehow, with God's help, I'm sure, I managed to find a place where I could accept what was going on and maintain a level of peace that would enable me to improve my attitude, give me some hope and I could function without going insane.
I have a fight going on within myself. Working for the government can be a challenge. When something of this nature comes along, everyone tends to become untrusting of everyone else. Instead of pulling together as a unit, we have all taken to being silent because we have all been "bit" by something in the past. Unfortunately, this plays into what is desired by management. They don't want unity. It's hard to express what I want or even how I feel about things because in our world (and probably in the private sector as well), let that desire be heard by someone who happens to have an "in" with someone else and you could very well find yourself on the short end of the stick. There are a few of us that have come to realize that this movement will not stop. So, we have accepted that and we have come to grips that we will have to choose a particular option and we are ready to do that. There's a huge difference between acceptance and being ready to get it done, than wanting it to happen. They were overheard by someone who misinterpreted what was said and they said something to someone else and before you know it, my fellow employees had been bitten by what they had said.
Since last week, I've been able to maintain my level of peace. I struggle. A lot. I have my moments. But, thankfully, my frame of mind is much better and more positive than it has been.
My fears are working on me though. My insecurities are playing up. I have something, outside the work arena that I want more than I want anything else in life. I have dreamed of it time and time again. Since I was 14, this dream has been in the works. Over the years, I have put it aside, due to one circumstance or the other, thinking even that it was only a teenage dream. My heart has been broken over and over and over. My dream crushed time and time again only to re-emerge....over the years it has changed until I finally realized a few years ago, I had veered off a path and now had found my way back. I nearly lost it again recently. Let's say I went a little crazy...and now, finally having come back to my senses I find myself here. I feel my whole life is in limbo.
I'm living out of a couple boxes. I'm sharing a borrowed bed with my adult daughter and biding time in a house that I despise. I'm grateful for a roof. I am. It's not an ideal situation. I struggle because for me, I need this to be over. I need to move on. I need to start over. I want to start over. I feel as though I get slapped every turn I take. My dream is waiting. I hope it is. Sometimes I wonder. I take a lot of things personally lately. I over think A LOT. I am ashamed of myself for having those fears. For giving in to those thoughts that I know aren't right. I don't have arms waiting to hold me at home, I don't have that physical presence of someone holding me and telling me things will be ok. My picture, it's different. And it is hard to adjust to. My support comes in a different way. A way I'm not used to. I way that is foreign to me. I need more. I want more. I do my best to hold my head high and fight my fears. When I feel as though I've been successful, I am greeted with dreams. I wake to a sickening feeling and only a flash of a memory of the dream.
I struggle with my faith. I had been in a desert for a long time. My desert is gone and now I'm bare naked. I have nowhere to look but up. I am impatient. My heart wants what it wants. And I don't feel it is too much to ask. For now, I wait. I wait for my letter. I wait for my dream. I detest waiting. I look for laughs along the way. I have a sick sense of humor and I look for anything I can to laugh at. Sometimes I go off to be alone, and, in those moments i struggle to find my place of peace. I am afraid of those times. I'm afraid that the darkness will take over and I'll sink down to that place of hopelessness and despair.
I look for texts from those I love, because they brighten my day and give me hope. I look for emails in hopes that confirmation of my letter is coming. Today, we received an email that looks similar to that which I described. The next few days will provide us with an answer.
I want my dream. I want to get settled in my new home and my new office. I want to unpack my things and put my life together. I want to wake to a new day and find that I want to live life to the fullest. I want to wake to a day where my depression is gone and I have found me again. Thanks to those who love me, I have a place to find me. A place to learn to live again. A place to learn to have fun again. A place to be free and happy and to love in a way I've never loved before. There's so much waiting. Each day, I hold my head a little higher. I struggle but I do look up. I will fight my fears and hopefully, I will find my fears are just that...fears, not truth.
There's been a lot going on for me in recent weeks. I spent some time in the crapper. And, by that, I mean, I've spent some time "down in the dumps", or in a depressed mood, however you want to see it. It's made writing difficult. Sometimes I put a roadblock on myself and I can't write. I am anxious. I looked over my past writings so I could make sure that I didn't repeat myself too much in this post. In the past weeks, we have seen the negotiations completed for the SOC (small office closures) and the MOU (memorandum of understanding) for that set of employees.
With all that happening, there were the rumors of what was happening for our group, had negotiations started? When? What was going on? How will the notices come to us? Will they come in our personal mail? Or will they be delivered to our respective HUD offices and be handed out? How much time will we have? Last week, we received word that the last two days of our furlough had been cancelled. That was a boost for us. Our morale has been so low lately. Up until last week, I was sinking farther and farther into a hole. My bad attitude was taking over and carrying over into my time at the office and that was my signal that I needed to do something in order to deal with myself. So I took a day off. A mental health day. It was the best thing I could have done. Somehow, with God's help, I'm sure, I managed to find a place where I could accept what was going on and maintain a level of peace that would enable me to improve my attitude, give me some hope and I could function without going insane.
I have a fight going on within myself. Working for the government can be a challenge. When something of this nature comes along, everyone tends to become untrusting of everyone else. Instead of pulling together as a unit, we have all taken to being silent because we have all been "bit" by something in the past. Unfortunately, this plays into what is desired by management. They don't want unity. It's hard to express what I want or even how I feel about things because in our world (and probably in the private sector as well), let that desire be heard by someone who happens to have an "in" with someone else and you could very well find yourself on the short end of the stick. There are a few of us that have come to realize that this movement will not stop. So, we have accepted that and we have come to grips that we will have to choose a particular option and we are ready to do that. There's a huge difference between acceptance and being ready to get it done, than wanting it to happen. They were overheard by someone who misinterpreted what was said and they said something to someone else and before you know it, my fellow employees had been bitten by what they had said.
Since last week, I've been able to maintain my level of peace. I struggle. A lot. I have my moments. But, thankfully, my frame of mind is much better and more positive than it has been.
My fears are working on me though. My insecurities are playing up. I have something, outside the work arena that I want more than I want anything else in life. I have dreamed of it time and time again. Since I was 14, this dream has been in the works. Over the years, I have put it aside, due to one circumstance or the other, thinking even that it was only a teenage dream. My heart has been broken over and over and over. My dream crushed time and time again only to re-emerge....over the years it has changed until I finally realized a few years ago, I had veered off a path and now had found my way back. I nearly lost it again recently. Let's say I went a little crazy...and now, finally having come back to my senses I find myself here. I feel my whole life is in limbo.
I'm living out of a couple boxes. I'm sharing a borrowed bed with my adult daughter and biding time in a house that I despise. I'm grateful for a roof. I am. It's not an ideal situation. I struggle because for me, I need this to be over. I need to move on. I need to start over. I want to start over. I feel as though I get slapped every turn I take. My dream is waiting. I hope it is. Sometimes I wonder. I take a lot of things personally lately. I over think A LOT. I am ashamed of myself for having those fears. For giving in to those thoughts that I know aren't right. I don't have arms waiting to hold me at home, I don't have that physical presence of someone holding me and telling me things will be ok. My picture, it's different. And it is hard to adjust to. My support comes in a different way. A way I'm not used to. I way that is foreign to me. I need more. I want more. I do my best to hold my head high and fight my fears. When I feel as though I've been successful, I am greeted with dreams. I wake to a sickening feeling and only a flash of a memory of the dream.
I struggle with my faith. I had been in a desert for a long time. My desert is gone and now I'm bare naked. I have nowhere to look but up. I am impatient. My heart wants what it wants. And I don't feel it is too much to ask. For now, I wait. I wait for my letter. I wait for my dream. I detest waiting. I look for laughs along the way. I have a sick sense of humor and I look for anything I can to laugh at. Sometimes I go off to be alone, and, in those moments i struggle to find my place of peace. I am afraid of those times. I'm afraid that the darkness will take over and I'll sink down to that place of hopelessness and despair.
I look for texts from those I love, because they brighten my day and give me hope. I look for emails in hopes that confirmation of my letter is coming. Today, we received an email that looks similar to that which I described. The next few days will provide us with an answer.
I want my dream. I want to get settled in my new home and my new office. I want to unpack my things and put my life together. I want to wake to a new day and find that I want to live life to the fullest. I want to wake to a day where my depression is gone and I have found me again. Thanks to those who love me, I have a place to find me. A place to learn to live again. A place to learn to have fun again. A place to be free and happy and to love in a way I've never loved before. There's so much waiting. Each day, I hold my head a little higher. I struggle but I do look up. I will fight my fears and hopefully, I will find my fears are just that...fears, not truth.
posted by Unknown | 4:07 PM
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