GRANDTWINS!!!

April 26, 2014--Our struggling family was doubly blessed with the birth of Journey Marie Brooks and Harley Quinn Brooks. Both girls are miraculously healthy for having been such a surprise. Journy was a very healthy 5lbs 14oz and Harley was 5lbs 13oz. Perfect in every way and this Nana could not be more proud. I'm in awe of how God has once again shown me a way through what I would have considered impossible. He makes it ALL possible and I love watching Him work. I think, maybe a bit too much because it seems He's always pulling off possibles with my impossibles!

I will write of our impossibles later, but right now I just want to share what, to date, the blessing that God has so lovingly and graciously bestowed upon us at a time when He knew we needed something huge to keep our heads up and our hearts filled. On top of all the struggles that have been assaulting us lately, the complete destruction of our former home that contained all our belongings, packed and ready for relocation orders, and subsequent (and still ongoing) investigation into it, added an immense amount of strain and pressure to an already very difficult situation.

My God knows His children. And He knew that He would have to do something that would truly get my focus and keep it. He knew our little family needed light, hope, miracles, grace, mercy, support, love, and the experience of living life previously unknown to us. I look back across time and I see how He prepared for this moment. For more than a moment, but for a path. A plan He has had and was putting into place. The steps He took. He knows His child. What I saw as repeated assaults, He used as building blocks, lessons over time, and when I started to bend and break, He was there, reminding me of His presence and my need to simply TRUST. That's hard to do for someone like me. I had trusted Him and I felt He had let me down, I had failed to acknowledge it was not He that had let me down but it was ME failing to truly allow Him to carry me. He needed me to understand that He alone was my rock.

Everything, and I do mean everything, fell away, leaving me alone and vulnerable, scared and stripped of self. My God knows I need more than words. I need to SEE things. I take care of my business. I worry about my family and I do whatever I can to handle everything but here I was, wondering what happened. How was I standing where I was, at this time in my life when I had worked so hard and loved so much, and did what I was supposed to, and I wondered if my life would ever be whole again. Would I be struggling on the street? Would my daughter, who had come home, be on the street with me or would we be forced to split our lives? How would I ever get out of the pit of financial and emotional and physical trials? And now my career was taking a massive left turn and relationships I had never thought would end were failing and there was no help to be found.

He knew I needed a powerful intervention. One that would keep me focused and one that would keep me from messing up His plan, by thinking too much or making my own decisions. I can almost see Him, almost like David Copperfield...keeping my attention here, when over there, He is putting things into place.

These babies, well, they are definitely multiple blessings in multiple ways. How God wraps so many things into one little package is simply amazing. Literally, God has traded beauty for ashes. I was left with nothing, facing a mounting trail of hardships, and He pops these little miracles into the mix without any time for questions, fears, or thinking at all, and here we are. It's as though a flood came through and swept us up and has carried us along, miraculously, and wonderfully, to a vastly different land.

Through the pain and struggle, my heart is light. My eyes are bright and my smile is often. My son, my daughter, and my grandtwins are in this amazing place of starting, literally, new lives. It's still very hard. There are lots of challenges and hardships still present but the best part is having God hold us. He has repeatedly shown us He has got this. And when I feel the doubt or fear well up, or tease me in the night, when I lie alone in the dark, I hear Him say, I have this, My Child. Let me care for you. Haven't I so far? And it is then that I can relax and breathe, and sleep.

I hope to be able to document my testimony so that I can share it with anyone who needs to be reminded that God does in fact, work miracles today. We can see them if only we look. And, if it is ourselves that need a miracle, we need only pay attention and allow Him to work.

A new state, a new city, a new office, a new place to call home, new lives, new life(x2), and all sorts of new adventures, are ours for the taking. Meeting new people, doing new and different things, finding ways to disconnect painful memories with activities and things we truly love so that we may enjoy them again, and waiting to see what God has in store for me. He knows my heart and my desires. I don't know if I will ever get a "YES" to my prayer but I know He has it under control.

Until later, here's our miracle...

As I Struggle...

WoW...I sit here, wondering where to start. There's so much. So let me start by rambling a bit and see what sorts out. It's been a rather cool summer, by Oklahoma standards. The humidity is crazy high but the temps have made it somewhat easier to bare. We had rain in July for the first time in years and here it is August and it's in the 70s and 80s and raining still!!! This past weekend, my daughter and I drove out to a cemetery that sits in the heart of the "middle of nowhere". The drive is very scenic, offering views of the Oklahoma countryside and it's gorgeous and GREEN. In August. It's green. That hasn't happened since I've lived here. By August, the grasses are brown and dead and the lawn mower was getting a rest. I think that's worth a mention, if not for readers unfamiliar with our part of the country, than for my memory's sake when I have left here and have moved on to a different place.

There's been a lot going on for me in recent weeks. I spent some time in the crapper. And, by that, I mean, I've spent some time "down in the dumps", or in a depressed mood, however you want to see it. It's made writing difficult. Sometimes I put a roadblock on myself and I can't write. I am anxious. I looked over my past writings so I could make sure that I didn't repeat myself too much in this post. In the past weeks, we have seen the negotiations completed for the SOC (small office closures) and the MOU (memorandum of understanding) for that set of employees.

With all that happening, there were the rumors of what was happening for our group, had negotiations started? When? What was going on? How will the notices come to us? Will they come in our personal mail? Or will they be delivered to our respective HUD offices and be handed out? How much time will we have? Last week, we received word that the last two days of our furlough had been cancelled. That was a boost for us. Our morale has been so low lately. Up until last week, I was sinking farther and farther into a hole. My bad attitude was taking over and carrying over into my time at the office and that was my signal that I needed to do something in order to deal with myself. So I took a day off. A mental health day. It was the best thing I could have done. Somehow, with God's help, I'm sure, I managed to find a place where I could accept what was going on and maintain a level of peace that would enable me to improve my attitude, give me some hope and I could function without going insane.

I have a fight going on within myself. Working for the government can be a challenge. When something of this nature comes along, everyone tends to become untrusting of everyone else. Instead of pulling together as a unit, we have all taken to being silent because we have all been "bit" by something in the past. Unfortunately, this plays into what is desired by management. They don't want unity. It's hard to express what I want or even how I feel about things because in our world (and probably in the private sector as well), let that desire be heard by someone who happens to have an "in" with someone else and you could very well find yourself on the short end of the stick. There are a few of us that have come to realize that this movement will not stop. So, we have accepted that and we have come to grips that we will have to choose a particular option and we are ready to do that. There's a huge difference between acceptance and being ready to get it done, than wanting it to happen. They were overheard by someone who misinterpreted what was said and they said something to someone else and before you know it, my fellow employees had been bitten by what they had said.

Since last week, I've been able to maintain my level of peace. I struggle. A lot. I have my moments. But, thankfully, my frame of mind is much better and more positive than it has been.

My fears are working on me though. My insecurities are playing up. I have something, outside the work arena that I want more than I want anything else in life. I have dreamed of it time and time again. Since I was 14, this dream has been in the works. Over the years, I have put it aside, due to one circumstance or the other, thinking even that it was only a teenage dream. My heart has been broken over and over and over. My dream crushed time and time again only to re-emerge....over the years it has changed until I finally realized a few years ago, I had veered off a path and now had found my way back. I nearly lost it again recently. Let's say I went a little crazy...and now, finally having come back to my senses I find myself here. I feel my whole life is in limbo.

I'm living out of a couple boxes. I'm sharing a borrowed bed with my adult daughter and biding time in a house that I despise. I'm grateful for a roof. I am. It's not an ideal situation. I struggle because for me, I need this to be over. I need to move on. I need to start over. I want to start over. I feel as though I get slapped every turn I take. My dream is waiting. I hope it is. Sometimes I wonder. I take a lot of things personally lately. I over think A LOT. I am ashamed of myself for having those fears. For giving in to those thoughts that I know aren't right. I don't have arms waiting to hold me at home, I don't have that physical presence of someone holding me and telling me things will be ok. My picture, it's different. And it is hard to adjust to. My support comes in a different way. A way I'm not used to. I way that is foreign to me. I need more. I want more. I do my best to hold my head high and fight my fears. When I feel as though I've been successful, I am greeted with dreams. I wake to a sickening feeling and only a flash of a memory of the dream.

I struggle with my faith. I had been in a desert for a long time. My desert is gone and now I'm bare naked. I have nowhere to look but up. I am impatient. My heart wants what it wants. And I don't feel it is too much to ask. For now, I wait. I wait for my letter. I wait for my dream. I detest waiting. I look for laughs along the way. I have a sick sense of humor and I look for anything I can to laugh at. Sometimes I go off to be alone, and, in those moments i struggle to find my place of peace. I am afraid of those times. I'm afraid that the darkness will take over and I'll sink down to that place of hopelessness and despair.
I look for texts from those I love, because they brighten my day and give me hope. I look for emails in hopes that confirmation of my letter is coming. Today, we received an email that looks similar to that which I described. The next few days will provide us with an answer.
I want my dream. I want to get settled in my new home and my new office. I want to unpack my things and put my life together. I want to wake to a new day and find that I want to live life to the fullest. I want to wake to a day where my depression is gone and I have found me again. Thanks to those who love me, I have a place to find me. A place to learn to live again. A place to learn to have fun again. A place to be free and happy and to love in a way I've never loved before. There's so much waiting. Each day, I hold my head a little higher. I struggle but I do look up. I will fight my fears and hopefully, I will find my fears are just that...fears, not truth.

Future Thoughts

What to do....a couple months ago, the agency that I work for announced a reorganization of my division. That is quite an understatement considering the chosen way that the leaders of this action announced and are implementing it. The chosen catchphrase is "Transforming HUD". Merriam Webster defines transforming as;
 1

a : to change in composition or structure

b : to change the outward form or appearance of

c : to change in character or condition : convert

2

: to subject to mathematical transformation

 

Well, they are certainly aiming for a transformation, that's for sure. And they are not merely stopping with a divisional impact, they have chosen to close 16 "small" offices as well. I want to note that the catchphrase mentioned earlier is important to note. It notes the agency, not JUST a division. The entire intent and goals are within two words.  A lot of employees nationwide are overlooking this or are simply ignoring them. Some can afford to do that because they are not impacted at this point in time. 

 

Anyway, moving on. The announcement was made April 23, 2013 via webcast. 16 small offices would be closed altogether, starting IMMEDIATELY, and to be completed by September 30, 2013.  Following this action, all offices within the Multifamily division will be condensed to 10 offices nationwide. That's 86 offices condensed to 10. Employees will be given, at max, 3 choices. Resign, Retire, or Relocate. Of course there are possibilities of a buyout (varying amounts according to time in the agency), buyout with retirement (if eligible), and relocation benefits (again, amount dependent upon the length of service agreement that is signed). The transformation will occur in waves over a two year time period. I am in the first wave (of course I am).

 

Someone I love suggested that I journal about this without emotion. I'm going to do that here, now. As best I can. The entire thing is very emotionally charged for me. However, in order to reach the best decision, I need to journal, at least once, without emotion as best I can. So here goes. 

 

Options, options, options. So far as I see it, at this point, they appear to be limited. Resign, retire, relocate. I want to break these down and look at them. Really look at them. What are the possibilities? What do they look like? No one really knows the future or what it holds. We each have a perceived sense of security when, in fact, that sense of security can be swept out from underneath us in a hot little second. However, we have a reasonable expectation that we will wake up each day, that we will go to work, school, etc. and that that will continue on a daily basis. We continue on in that sense of security until it is shaken by a health crises, maybe an accident, or weather occurs to shake that up. I worry about a lot of this stuff because in my life, turmoil and trauma occur OFTEN. Too often for me get caught up in a lot of these perceived sense of securities. Well, except for my JOB. It is the one thing I have been able to rely on. It is what provides my shelter, my nourishment, my ability to live. I work for the government so I'm secure. NOT ANYMORE.

 

Ok...moving on. Right now I'm looking at exploring Resigning/Relocation. I currently am in "the bubble". I am on the verge of being able to retire but I almost have the time and age. I'm in a bit of a predicament. There are a lot of things that are dependent upon timing. And without knowledge of the exact options which will be presented upon "official notification", it's hard to proceed and make a firm decision. We'll go with the supposition that the offer is that the agency will fulfill my time and age requirements for retirement eligibility and in addition, I also qualify for a $25,000(pre tax) buyout. According to calculations recently made by the agency benefits rep, I would take a 75% paycut for retirement. The buyout, after taxes, will amount to somewhere close to $17,000. Health benefits are included in this package for retirees.

Resigning (without retirement eligibility) with a $25,000 buyout is the other option. Here, I would receive about $17,000 buyout but would lose the monthly paycheck for retirement, and the medical benefits. There is a possibility of severance pay for a year, but no buyout package. Again, the situation has to make one eligible.

Resigning/retiring both involve leaving my current position which leaves me in a financial pickle.  I have debt that needs to be addressed. I have vehicles that need to be paid for. I need shelter, food and clothing. I need to be able to LIVE and not just survive. How will the financial obligations be taken care of? How will I be able to rid myself of the debt and free myself of that burden? If freed from that burden? Where will I go next? Where's my shelter? What will life look like without HUD? What will I do with my time? Where will I work? Will I work? Or will I do mission work? What will it be like to live with the faith that God will provide instead of HUD providing? Certainly God is more dependent and faithful than HUD. What will it look like to let go of that security and step out in faith that will challenge me in ways that I have not been challenged before? 

There's a part of me that really likes the idea of leaving HUD if merely for the break of the complicated world that is multifamily. Then there's the part of me that is afraid to take the leap of faith and depend on others (or God) for that matter, if I'm totally honest.  Depend on others? Me? I've been let down enough by those that I should have been able to entrust with my well being. I have learned over and over that if you want/need something done, I must do it myself. I have had to fight for everything. I find asking for help very difficult because of that. I have spent my life being there for others, helping, however I can. And fighting for myself. And even when I had to fight for myself, I've ended up losing relationships with loved ones because of it. I guess, in my mind, what was learned was, anytime I stood up for my self, my needs, my relationship, the other involved parties said "see ya later". In order to keep relationships, I would always have to be the one to provide whatever was required for the others and at the same time, sacrifice my own needs. 

Aside from my father, and my cousin, no one has ever WILLINGLY, CONSISTENTLY, and UNCONDITIONALLY loved me and protected that love and taken care of me. No one has ever joined me in a partnership where the balance was sought and we worked together consistently to make things work. Oh there were times when it would occasionally happen. That's why there are so many failures. I had hope that things would change and that would occur. I had enough "teasers" to keep me working toward that picture. I wanted what God outlines in Corinthians II when He defines love. 

What do relationships have to do with what, to me, on the surface, looks like a financial decision? Apparently relationships are at the heart of my security needs. They are not the sole root of the problem but they are certainly entwined together. As a child, I grew up in a not so nice house, it was clean and we ate well. We weren't poor but we didn't have a new home, etc. My parents divorced when I was a tween, I was molested by two different family members, I went to school with kids where the majority of them lived in much nicer homes than mine and dressed a lot nicer than I did. I was made fun of for that and for the town I lived in. It was a nice little town but was considered by some to be the "wrong side of the tracks" kind of town. I have always been generous in my relationships, eager and willing to show others that my love for them was unconditional. That I would do anything possible to show them that our relationship was important to me. I'm not claiming that I was perfect at it. I failed. A lot but I was more aware of those types of things than most kids/teens. My dad was also the type of person to value relationships, etc. and he had an amazing gift of reading people/behavior and he passed that onto me. Growing up, I had one "peer" that has proved to be the one and only relationship that is healthy. My cousin. She and I are as close as sisters and we grew up together. There is not a time in my life that she was not there. We have a bond that surpasses time and distance. We feel each other across hundreds of miles. We don't argue. We talk. We really communicate and always have. We allow each other to be themselves without fear of judgment or condemnation. 

 

I think that, for me, having the security of a solid and healthy relationship bolsters my sense of self confidence. I have lost self confidence and I fear failure. Knowing I'm loved and valued gives me the boost I need to assert myself and challenge those difficulties in life. God loves me. I know this. I also know that I am like Adam. I need a partner in life that will complete me as well as grow with me and me with Him. A man that will be my "other half" literally, as God made Eve for Adam. 

 

As I sit and think about these future choices that will need to be made, I realize that as I have thought about all my options (not just what I have written about here), it is being made clear that no matter what I have thought of, all the possibles I have felt more confident of, involve a partner with me. The rest, I feel scared and unsure.  All of the possibilities involve stepping out on some level of faith because everything I know is changing. Changes upon changes. Upheaval after upheaval. Life without HUD, Life with HUD in a new state, with new people, a new place to live, new places, new job description, all of them are huge-antic changes. 

I want to do mission work. I want to do something for Catherine. Is it possible that God would move me so quickly into that field? Will the financial aspect be taken care of? Will I go into this alone? What about the kids? Maybe it is time to move on to a new job...maybe I retire, take the buyout and work for another company. Maybe I won't make as much money but maybe I won't need as much either. So many questions. I wish I could say that as I have written this that an answer has suddenly come to me. No. It sure has not. What has come to light over the last couple months since the announcement was made is I have more than 3 options...I have possibilities and as I lean closer and closer to God again, I am having my eyes opened to those possibilities and I'm more open to what God may have in store for me.  I can begin to picture a new life. A different life. As He opens my mind and heart, I can see more and more. By the time the choice comes (or maybe before or after) I know that God will indeed show me the answer. I'm hoping that He will "hit me with a brick" to make sure I get the message. The most important question I have is am I meant to do this alone or will my God place me with the man that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with to share this change with me? Of all the questions, that's the one that rises to the top of the list. That wasn't what I expected but that's the one question HUD can't answer. Hmmm...

If we are the Body of Christ....

If we are the body of Christ, then how come so many Christians are ruining getting to know Jesus for so many? My thoughts? Well, here they are. I am a christian. I work to behave, in a way that shows Jesus to anyone I come across. Do I fail? Sure I do. But my goal is to do no harm. However, being a christian, that can be misconstrued to someone who doesn't understand Jesus. And if they don't know Jesus, they may have some idea of what He is like or NO idea what He is like, or a messed up idea of what He's like.
Some think all Jesus is is Love. This is true but they don't always understand the meaning of Love. That love can entail anger (anger without sin), consequences that are painful, (they can be interpreted as unfair or mean, etc) and other types of things that are easily misread.
I know that a lot of people have negative interactions with christians that are misunderstood and some that are truly not of a christian nature. It's sad to see people who have been hurt by the church or by an experience with someone portraying themselves as christian.
Being the body of Christ, we are to behave in a Christ-like manner. We are the hands, the feet, the arms, etc. We are the "seen" images of Christ. People see Christ in us. Or, they should see Christ in us.
I've gone through a long season of a spiritual drought. It's been tough. The first years were in the church. I struggled. I had a lot of things occur in my life and in our family and no one really reached out to us. We asked for help and got nothing. Oh there was a couple people that knew and talked to us but even their "reaching out" wasn't much and yet we saw those who didn't even ask get a lot more. I don't want to get too deep here so I'm going to stay on the surface but I'll go deeper than anyone I've encountered wants to go.

Christianity is not about the numbers in the church, it's not about the money that the church can rake in. It's about relationship. Missions are about relationship. The churches have it so wrong. Most of them do anyway. There is a movement underway to pursue relationship. However, it will be a long hard fight. Why? Because in order to pursue relationship, you must be willing to explore the depths of your own soul and that can be pretty tough to do. Most of the time people will choose to avoid that dirty little task. Wanna test the theory? Just wait until the next person (this is more fun to do in church) asks how you are. Instead of giving the expected "Fine" or "Good", give em the truth. "I'm not doing too well"...and launch into the spiel of whatever isn't going well at that point. Watch the deer in headlight look appear and they will itch to get away. They don't like that. They don't really want to know. They are only asking because it is the polite thing to do or they believe that they are expected to come off as caring. Especially in the church. They only care if it is convenient and even then, most of the time they just want to get away. During Bible study, try going deeper into the study and examine the below the surface things that are sure to be a part of the discussion. Most of the time, it's given a word or two or ignored altogether. Once in a while there is an exception and there will be someone willing to explore but try to get them to open up about themselves. You don't get a lot of responses.

The church is for the lost and found. But try standing up in church and telling your "church family" that you recently committed adultery and you know it was wrong and you feel terrible and are working to repair your family and find out what happens. I guarantee you that if you want love and forgiveness, it's probably not going to come. What will come is whispering and snubbing. Try getting up and telling your church family that you are thinking of having an affair or you are thinking of beating the crap out of your neighbor because you found out he stole some tools out of your garage and see what kind of reaction you get. Stand up and tell your church family that you just lost it in a staff meeting at work because you and another co worker butt heads. You were placed on administrative leave and won't be paid and need help. Name anything. It's doesn't matter. No one will do that to themselves. Why? Mostly, we don't stand up and tell the church family things that we have done usually because we are ashamed of ourselves and we are embarrassed to admit we may have made bad choices. Or, maybe we don't say anything because it isn't our behavior but the behavior of a family member and we are protecting them from embarrassment. Or, maybe, we just can't trust our church family. And why would we feel that way? Because it's not hard to read how others may react. When all you get are superficial greetings and snubbing, you kind of have to wonder if you bare your heart, if it will be safe.
I haven't been to my old church for a few years now. Since leaving (at the time with health issues, along with other things going on that were no secret in the church), not one church member has called me. Only one couple has run into me and said that they missed me and asked how I was doing. One. My ex-husband cares more about me and how I'm doing than anyone else in the church. As a matter of fact, I ran into both former church members and current church members recently. The church members snubbed me while the former church members made conversation and asked how I was doing. Interesting to say the least.
 The pastor/reverend/priest are counselors. They are leaders and they can and are supposed to help. However, the congregation are your brothers and sisters in Christ and they are there to help and support and engage with you. A personal relationship with Christ does exist one on one.  But the family is there to be a family. You eat together. You serve together. You worship together. You raise families together. you are often living in the same neighborhoods and attend the same community events, etc.  But relationship is so far from a natural occurrence. Occasionally we will work for relationship. The church pastor will even preach about it. But watch the church behave and see if they practice relationship. Because a relationship is not just something that you have. A relationship is something you build. You work on it. You maintain it.  You love it and protect it. And, yes, I believe, you practice relationship.
I'm a christian and have been snubbed by my brothers and sisters in Christ. It's no wonder someone who does not know Jesus runs for the hills at the first hint of "religion". People are people. They are all the same in that, they want/need to be loved and accepted for who they are. We are all "broken" people that are searching for wholeness and healing.
I'm out of practice with this writing thing. I need to work on it. So a lot of what I write will be raw. I will have moments where what I write comes out really well....and at other times, maybe not so well.
So just take it for what it is...

Relationship/Recovery/Restoration

I have come to a conclusion. It's more than likely a temporary conclusion but it's a conclusion nonetheless. I have no control over my life. There's a lot going on that is out of my control. The conclusion? My life is not ever going to be on an even keel. That's the conclusion. Now. What will I do about it? That's a good question. And there are several things that need to be done but I'm going to go about this in a way that I have not gone about things before. Why? It's the "if you do what you have always done you will get what you have always gotten". It's going to take time. That requires some patience. Of which I have little. It's going to take courage. Of which I have some....doesn't feel like a lot but I guess I will find that out along the way. It's going to take perseverance. That's going to be difficult but I'm going to buckle up and hang on. It's going to take a lot of things I don't know about right now. Am I scared? YES! I'm working on not being scared. Fear is debilitating. There's too much to explain here but the main point of this entry is to recommit to my journaling. I'm going to commit to journaling again. For me. For others. It's not to say "look at me". It's to say, "here I am. Here's what I've been through. Here's what I'm going through. Here's how I got through. Here's the lessons I've learned and what I'm learning now." Someone out there may need to know that someone else is going through a similar journey in life. They may be touched. They may learn. They may actually be able to share a part of themselves with me. I'm not writing to just touch/reach others. I'm writing in hopes that I'm touched as well. Selfish? No. I'm saying, "I'm out here in life and I know others are too. Let's help each other. Let's learn about each other and walk through life together. Even if we encounter each other for only a season, let's do that. Because I know that relationships make living life easier and better. It's not things that make our lives incredible. It's the people in our lives that make our lives incredible. Relationships are vital. It's relationships with people that make our lives worth living. Relationships provide us with purpose. We need to focus on meeting people where they are and really get to know them and listen to them about what they need. There is always a time and place for everything. For years, there has been a need to build a movement toward relationships. Not a 5 minute relationship. A more enduring relationship. And it can look different from relationship to relationship. Some relationships are front line relationships. That's where we meet the person head on and develop a lasting relationship. Another time, we might be the supporting relationship. We partner with the front line to support what is needed. We may offer something that is needed in support of the front line relationship to be maintained. Involvement can come in at very different levels. It's not about "fixing". It's not about pity. It's not about empathy. It's about consoling. It's about treating the person as a whole being and not something to be fixed. People are in need of support, not fixing. Don't get me wrong. I am not saying that there is not a need for a relief effort. There are times when relief is appropriate. That's not the area I'm targeting. We need to change the way we help others. The focus has been to meet this need or that need. The symptoms are treated but the problem still remains. What if we had a paradigm shift? What if we stepped up and grabbed hold of a hand of someone in need and said, "How can we walk through this together?" We need to start asking ourselves, is this a need for relief or restoration?
I have always been drawn to relationships. I want to help people. I haven't done a lot of that lately. I've been in dire need myself. My life fell apart. All aspects of it. I feel much like a zombie. I've been hit so many times that I feel a lot like the walking dead. And the hits keep coming. In the entries that follow, I will be writing about those things. I don't pretend to be a good writer. I don't pretend to always have clear thoughts about things. Sometimes I can write about things and the words just flow. At other times, my head and my heart just cannot get it together. I don't even know where to begin so I will have to go where my heart leads me. And I will cover a lot of things. Divorce, depression, multiple surgeries, relationships, work stresses, health, co worker stresses, children, parents, friends, God, church, finances as well as a lot of other things.

Still wandering in the desert...

Good afternoon, J.,

Here I am....again...writing because sometimes it is the only way I can process things in my mind...I took a couple of small steps this past week. I am ashamed to admit that my commitment was halfearted, but halfhearted is about all I can muster the motivation for lately. Anyway, I committed to getting back into His word on a more regular basis and the first step is the most important one. I have a study book I bought ages ago on the Old Testament after my Dad harrassed me about studying the books in the Old Testament. He feels that too many have dismissed the OT with the coming of the NT...and that was never God's intention. So, at first, I bought it to quiet the voices...his and the Holy Spirit. And J., you know as well as I do, even if you can quiet a parent, one certainly CANNOT quiet or ignore the Holy Spirit.

It sat for months...one of those habits we humans do for lots of things. Sort of like sightseeing in one's hometown...who does that? Hardly anyone until someone comes to visit. I dont' know how many times I've said, sure we can go there cause I've NEVER BEEN....

The book on the OT is quite interesting...it is set up just like a school textbook and it came with an interactive CD which has not been used...yet. I have read the first 6 chapters and have found it helps with my limited knowledge in the OT areas. It answers many fundamental questions and those "bigger picture" questions that are hard to comprehend when you read it broken up in parts as most of us do. I think that I would find classes in theology and such very interesting...

I've read the entire Bible, cover to cover (2004) and while I think that is quite an accomplishment, reading means nothing if you don't comprehend. My intent is to go through much slower now and read it again, taking in even more than the first time. As part of my commitment to work myself through this desert place, I resumed my study of the OT. I keep my book by my bed and that is where I do my reading...I managed one evening and slipped on the others. I want to get back in the habit of putting my time in the word before I spend time in any other book or watch television prior to going to bed. Geez I feel so lazy...

I forced myself to attend church on Sunday and knew my absences have not gone unnoticed after my attendance drew a comment from my son. OUCH...he doesn't understand anything else other than I appear to be what our youth group calls a "church ditcher". How do you explain that to a young person? My son is like God. He's very black and white. There are no grey areas to muddle up things. And he knows better than I that my bottom belongs at church. He doesn't understand that sometimes it is okay to take a break from church...to worship my Father outside the church is still acceptable...

However, I think that he gets it better than I do at this point. He senses that what I need is to be at church. He feels it more than I do. He's very intuitive that boy of mine. He has a heart after God that is for sure.

Yesterday, sitting in church, praising Him in song, I had a vision. A vision of the Lord, sitting on His throne, His Son one on side, and they were listening as the world praised Him as a choir...their voices rising through the clouds, offering praise and worship to their Lord. His children, singing His praises. I wondered, for a moment, what He must feel, sitting there, listening to His children, both lost and found, offering up a song to Him. What was He feeling at the moment? Oh how I long to see His face. And that of His Son. I long to know those things that I know will have to wait for heaven....and I noted that I felt something...and it was nice. A nice reminder that even in the desert place, I still feel something...I know it is temporary...I just need to keep walking...and growing.

I need to go for now. Until next time J.

Spiritual Desert

Dear J.,

It's been a while...seems to be the norm for me lately. Tell me J., have you ever been spiritually dry? I hear it is quite common among even the most faithful of God's children. In fact, we are told to expect the ebb and flow of our faith. I have found that the experience is rather disconcerting...sometimes, even scary.

I do not like the darkness of this place and nor do I like the distance from God. It is quite evident that it is I that have moved away rather than He...and we know that He doesn't move away. He is always there, it is us who move to and fro...

I'm not even sure how I came to be here, wandering in the desert, if you will. As always, I don't mind the heat, but the dryness is what I mind. The lack of an oasis. This place, it truly is like the desert. I believe I have even seen my own spiritual mirage....that vision of an oasis...I make my way to it, thirsting for the promise of water, watching it grow closer, only to find when I reach it, that my hands have gathered only sand where my eyes had seen water...

My heart doesn't feel anything really, although it still acknowledges a great love for God. I have not lost my identity as I'm ever sure of my place in the kingdom as His child. I have not turned against Him, I hold no anger or displeasure in His will. I have not forgotten His Son or His great sacrifice. I am still ever thankful for His love, mercy and grace. And it is His grace by which I am allowed this time. I know that He will use it to grow me. To change me. To lead me. To break me.

Maybe that is what I need? To be broken again? Sometimes I feel I have been broken too much. It is, after all, the calm after the storm, that I believe, really led me here. I guess I do know how I got here, although I wasn't aware of the movement to this place. It is as though I suddenly woke up to find myself surrounded by the dryness. At first, I reveled in this place where nothing happens. It was as if I needed the break. But soon, I grew concerned.

My desire for fellowship waned. Anxiety would rear its head again and I'd find myself retreating to my place of solitary. In my mind, I'm in the desert. My physical body completing only those functions that I can draw the motivation to complete. My body existing but not living. My prayer time dwindled until one day I realized it had been days since I prayed, not hours. However, my heart didn't register a separation from God. It is a strange thing how this feels.

And to know that I control it but don't have the energy level to give it. I keep thinking it must be the surgery. But I have no way to confirm that really and nothing to go on until enough time has passed in order for the doctor to make an educated guess. Could it be depression? Who knows. Again, there's so much that comes into play here that even a doctor can only guess. Will time make a difference? Who knows?

After our tumultous spring and after the damaging storm that swept through our lives, I may have simply gone on haitus. After the surgery, I was told to rest, do nothing, and let my body heal. At first that was hard. How does one stay active but do nothing? No lifting...no cooking...not too much exercise...get plenty of sleep....well, okay then. Hypocrites. So I interpreted things in my own mind and decided to do what I would do. 4 days after surgery (oh sorry J., it was a hysterectomy--everything but the ovaries) I'm walking a mile and a half, taking an afternoon nap, drinking energy drinks in order to stay up and going during the day and not really sleeping much at night. Not that I was not trying to sleep. My rare once in a while restless legs type feelings became 2-3 times a week...disrupting what little sleep my sleep insomnia problem allowed me to have. And I was walking on a daily basis. For 6 weeks I was walking 3 miles a day, working full time, working hard at not doing things I wasn't supposed to do yet still take care of my husband, and still relax in the evenings. The heat of summer kicked up and the rest of me let go.

My days were spent working 10 hours a day sometimes more, or just a little less. I got up to walk in the mornings, enjoying the dark morning hours, warm but not hot, and the solitude darkness brings. I started to talk to God on those walks. Enjoying the time I got with him. A time where I was not pressed to "fit" him in but could just enjoy His presence. On the way to work I would hear Pastor Paul Shephard for a 20 minute sermon. But on Sundays I found myself not wanting to go to church..just wanting to stay home. I felt it unfair to sit in church and pretend I wanted to be there. How fair is that to God? So I took a break one Sunday. I didn't go because I just couldn't pretend to be there for Him when I knew my heart wasn't there. I would not take part in what I felt was a lie.

One Sunday would not matter. I have always enjoyed my pastor's sermons. He has a way with words. Even when I'm convicted by the message, it is enjoyable as it is the learning about God and growing that fills me with joy. It enables the happy to come out in the middle of being broken by Him.

I have prayed for growth and motivation and some spiritual rain. Not a storm mind you, just rain. A nice shower. Something that I can soak in. Something to moisten the heart.

Until next time J.