Waiting on God

Morning J.,

I heard a news report that got my attention....I thought I'd share it with you. The report said that a survey had been done among teenagers and that 71% of those surveyed believed that God had died and been resurrected from the dead. That's cool. However, most of them do not believe that Jesus will return in their lifetime. I can kind of understand that....BUT....then they were asked what they might do different if they knew that Jesus would return in their lifetime...they responded that some of the things they might do DIFFERENT are....be nicer to people, help others, etc. THAT IS SAD.
My heart just broke when I heard that J.. After all, is that what these kids are learning? So are these kids saying that since they don't believe that Jesus is returning in their lifetime (I certainly am hoping and praying that he comes in MY Lifetime!) they have no need to be nicer to others or help a stranger? Why should our behavior be different? I don't recall anywhere in the Bible where it says that you have to kick it up a notch because I'm coming back. He is specific when He says that no one knows when He's coming back and we should be on alert and be prepared for His return.

So the teens' thoughts might sound like this, "Since Jesus isn't returning in my lifetime, I can relax because I don't need to be as nice as I could be. I can just goof off cause He isn't coming until after I die." That just astounds me. It also tells me they aren't getting the message....the true message.

The minute we accept Jesus as our savior, we're on duty and should remain on duty until He comes back or we die. We don't have the luxury of "when the cat's away, the mice will play" kind of thinking. The CAT is NEVER AWAY. Jesus is alive and with us every moment. He is HERE. We should be doing nothing different. We should be living up to His expectations now. We should not wait for a "cue" or a time to do better. We should be doing better this very minute.

It's like waiting to find out you are going to die before you climb that mountain. The fact is, we never know when we will die so the time to climb the mountain is now. J., I certainly hope that those of us with the truth can reach those who have a warped sense of the truth.

A Youth Mission

Afternoon J.,

I'm so excited J.! Why? I'm so glad you asked! You see, our youth group at church has taken on quite a mission this year. After attending a conference and after much prayer, our youth pastor felt that God was calling our youth to do something different. Instead of going somewhere on a mission trip, He was calling on them to earn money to aid a village in Zambia. A village that has a number of children who have been orphaned by AIDS. Their goal? $10,000. What will that money do? It will provide a water purification system for that village. That will greatly increase their quality of life. And hopefully, will bless them greatly!

How will they raise it? They will work at different local businesses and for homeowners in the community for money. The money they earned will be paid to the church and will go towards this goal. They have already earned quite a bit of money at their annual Valentine's Day Banquet where the youth provide food and entertainment for a nominal fee. My husband and I will not only support their cause and for a week this summer, sponsor them as they work intensely for that week, but we will also contribute as we have several things they can do for us as well.

But the great news is this J.: While listening to KLOVE, I caught wind of an opportunity to shed light, not only on One Life Revolution and its cause, but to shine light on our youth. Not just OUR youth at church but all youth around the country. They need to know that they are worthy and able and can do GREAT things for God. I sent in a newstip to KLOVE and told them of our youth pastor and the group's mission. They called him this morning and they will air the interview on Monday, March 21st. I hope that when they hear of it, it will encourage them and drive them towards their goal.

Our youth (that of the nation) are our leaders of tomorrow. What they do today will shape who they become tomorrow. They need to be recognized when they do good for God. Not for themselves but for what it has done for God. I am proud to say that our youth at church are not full of themselves and it is not attention they want for themselves, but for God. God gets the glory. He led them to this mission and they will see to it that it is fulfilled. And maybe, just maybe, another group out there will decide that they, too, can accomplish something great for God and it will start a revolution. What a wonderful opportunity!

I had to share with you J....so often our youth is forgotten or labelled and misjudged. We have youth who are responsible and caring and capable of so much more than we sometimes give them credit for. I pray that they not only accomplish their goal but that they surpass it.

PRAISE GOD!

Hmmm.....

Dear J.,

Another Spring Break is underway. The trip to Missouri was different this time. My kids and I made up "new" words to songs on the radio. They actually turned out quite funny in some cases. I'll spare you the "type" of songs we were making up but they are guaranteed to make one snicker. That was fun. Usually I take my music very seriously but for once, I just let go and had fun with it. The kids were pleasantly surprised.

We arrived on time (for once)....I believe that my ex-husband truly thinks that I'm chronically late on purpose.

I was also surprised that I didn't cry this time. My faith in God kicked in on time and I was able to get away without tears and without a consolation purchase. However, I did forget to get gas and almost got some extra walking in. Thankfully, the Lord got me to a gas station in adequate time and that was avoided.

My back apparently wasn't having as good a time as I was on the trip....when I got home, it was letting me know that it wanted my attention. I did what I do best. I ignored it. And, as always, when the body asks nicely for attention and I ignore it, it bypasses asking me nice a second time and goes straight to demanding my attention. It has learned how to get my attention rather well. Although I was not pleased with having to take my first pain pill in months, I was pleased because they make me so loopy that I managed to get out of having to play poker with my husband and his friends. Just not my idea of a good time. I enjoy my time with the remote and besides that, it was spring break. I officially was not the mama for a few days and I didn't want to spend my first "not the mama" night playing cards. I was loopy by myself on the couch and I enjoyed myself immensely. Okay, I don't remember if I enjoyed myself but I also didn't care. How's that?

Sunday our friends arrived and that was the highlight of my day. It's great to have them around. Having them close has just made our year! Our guest so nicely let me know that they think my coffee maker is just a tad too slow....I came home to find a Black & Decker coffee maker that makes coffee at the speed of sound! Okay, not quite that fast but alot faster than my old one. Hallelujah!

Today at lunch I saw something quite interesting....a gentleman had a bumper sticker on his minivan that read, "PAGAN AND PROUD". I find that very interesting. I was appalled at first. But I guess we all have a freedom to express our beliefs, whatever they may be and just because I don't agree with them, doesn't mean they can't still express them. But I was a bit shocked. I have not seen too many people so proudly wear their Anti-God apparel so blatantly. Usually, they keep that pretty quiet. Not this man. He is so proud of himself. And I must say his demeanor and facial expression certainly fit that sticker. I find it extremely sad that people exist that refuse to know God. I longed to stop him and ask why he was pagan and proud. And what motivated him to display that sticker so prominantly. I have alot of questions for him. Maybe someday I'll run into another "pagan and proud" and I will have the opportunity to ask my questions and maybe, just maybe, plant God's seed again.

On top of that disheartening sticker, I learned that my brother is at his tricks again. He so needs a good kick in the pants J. And I can't help but feel angry at my mother. She would be enjoying this I bet. She left him in charge and he's making a mess of her estate. My father is stressing about finances and my brother won't get a job. He has probably run through the money in the estate and if that is true, my oldest brother and I will hopefully have the opportunity to afford him the right to his consequences. We have battled him for most of our lives. My mother ruined him. Now he's out to ruin my father and I just won't let that happen J. If I have to bring my father down here temporarily so that we can allow consequences to catch up to him, so be it. Then I'll take him home if he wishes. But he is already stressing. I worry that I won't have him much longer. He is brokenhearted over the death of my mother, despite their having been divorced for 22 years. He even bought a plot next to her. If she were here, she'd flip. She wouldn't want to be buried next to him any more than she wanted to be married to him. Despite all she did to hurt him, he still loved her. Still does. If he couldn't be with her in life, then he will be beside her in death. Even though it means not being buried with the rest of his family. It is beyond belief. I find it so confusing. But what my dad wants, he will get. I respect his wishes though I don't understand them for the life of me. I love him so much. I'll do what he asks me. And it means so much to him. And I guess he will get what he wants from me as well. I won't be able to visit his grave without visiting hers too. He's going to bring us together no matter what. And believe me, that is a side benefit because his true desire is to be beside the woman he loves. Different strokes for different folks.....what a family I have J....

Spring Break

Hi J.,

Tomorrow I say goodbye to my kids for a week. Letting go of them is always difficult. Remember that first year, J.? It was the hardest by far. I can only hope that this year isn't as difficult. It seems that since losing my mom, my fears of losing someone else have increased. I'm watching and waiting. And that, J., isn't good. I know that God will take care of us and I know that He knows best. I know that I should not worry because that is when my eyes are off Him.

That first night without them seems just like yesterday. My husband was gone on the road in his big truck. The house was still so huge to me then. I wasn't yet used to its sounds and I sure wasn't used to living in something so large. We didn't have any pets and I was all alone. My daughter was getting ready to turn 7 years old and my son would soon turn 4 years old. They were just babies. It had been difficult to sleep that night but somehow I managed to fall asleep.

I was dreaming about the kids. They were in Indiana....but I didn't know where they were. And then someone told me Rikki had died. I don't remember details but I remember desperately trying to find my baby. Where had they taken her? It couldn't be true and then there she was, lying in a casket. Her little face looking just as it did when she slept. I sat straight up in bed, crying and terrified. I started to go to her but then I remembered she wasn't there. I had to talk to her. I had to. I dialed my mother's house and when she answered I demanded to speak to Rikki. My mother wanted to know what was wrong. I insisted that nothing was wrong I just wanted to talk to Rikki. She let me know it was 5:30 in the morning. I didn't care. She woke my baby and put her on the phone. Oh was I so relieved to hear her voice.

To this day, J., that dream brings tears to my eyes. Learning how to let go of them and put them in God's care was a hard lesson for me that first year. But I did it. It took a few weeks but I did it. Each year has gotten easier and easier. My heart still aches but I'm secure in God's arms and I know He'll work His will. And no matter what happens, I have God to pull me through.

Tomorrow I'll drive them to Missouri where we will meet up with their Dad and stepmother. We'll share lunch and talk and catch up with the kids and I'll find out their plans. Then as soon as I can, I'll tell them that I need to go. I need to get them to leave or I might not want them to go at all. And I don't want their dad falling asleep while driving. I want to end the day so that I can get that phone call that they are in Indiana safe and sound. I trust my driving not anyone else's. (we both know that comes from losing Rick) It took me years to be comfortable driving with my husband. And it took a long time to even let the kids' dad take them anywhere. I will do almost anything to avoid riding as a passenger. I've gotten better over the years but I still have a difficult time.

We'll move baggage and I'll hug and kiss the kids goodbye. I'll tell my daughter to watch over my son and he'll do his best to "suck it up" until they've pulled away. I will too. I refuse to cry in front of them and I wait til they are gone. I'll drive for a while or I will head over to a store to buy myself a "comfort" gift. Then I will cry on the way home and eventually, my tears will dry and I'll perk up. I will focus on getting home safe. I'll make the normal calls to my dad and my brothers to tell them I have done my part. Then I'll call again to tell them when I get home. They are worried too.

By the time I get home, I'm ready to be in a celebratory mood with my husband who, unlike me handles their departure alot better. He just shuts it down. He looks forward to his "comfort" gift and treat of having my undivided attention. I'll enjoy some time without the kids but usually talk to them a couple times during the week.

Come Saturday, I will head off again to Missouri to meet with them to bring them home. I am ecstatic and my drive is filled with energy and celebration. I usually arrive late but they are there, waiting and smiling and full of hugs and kisses. We share a meal and then I tell them we must go. It will be their Dad's turn to say good-bye and I don't envy him. He has the worst end of the deal. They'll "suck it up" and we'll get in the truck. We start to head out and the tears will flow. Usually from my son first. He has it the hardest.

Pretty soon, he'll be reading or asleep and we will enjoy our ride home. It will have been a long week.

Talk to you soon J.

Various

Afternoon, J.,

The last few days have been interesting. There's a lot to share. Hopefully, I will keep it short and abbreviated. First, everyone in the house has been to the doctor this week! My oldest child has been battling recurrent sinus infections. I'm hoping that we can keep her well.

My youngest has had repeated headaches getting so severe in the last few days that he openly cries. He doesn't cry unless he's really hurting. I always worry about him. My husband, the stud that he is, managed to hurt his thumb a week ago. He did it playing basketball. He ignored it and it got worse. So I set up a two-fer visit. He and my son would visit with our physician and see what was ailing them. Well, my son ended up going to the eye doctor and getting a new prescription for his worsening eyesight. That's not too bad. Expensive but not bad. I can deal with that.

My husband was sent to a specialist (which prompted complaints to me via telephone about his displeasure at having had to pay multiple co pays). He is in a brace and could have ligament damage. That could mean surgery. Oh boy. That netted me another call....this time I'm the target. Somehow I should have possessed the psychic ability to know that I should have bypassed the first physician and go straight to the specialist and the eye doctor. In my defense J., had I sent him to the eye doctor (which our insurance is severely lacking for eye issues), and it turned out to be something else, he'd have really been angry at having to pay for a visit there. And in his case, with the specialist, not only would he have listened to me had I suspected he needed a specialist, I had no idea he would be referred to one. However, I vow to work on my psychic medical abilities so that I can bypass that chewing out in the future.

Now, at the time of this chewing out, he was upset at having paid $30 in co pays. He didn't know about the eye doctor....I did not clue him in because I was up for a break between chewings. My behind is small enough as it is, I certainly want to keep what I have. I needed time to pad up. By the time he exited the eye doctor's, I suspect he was emotionally done with physicians for the day and didn't have much fight in him. All I heard was, "....and it cost me $102".

I was personally experiencing a small level of enjoyment as he finally got a taste of what it is like to suddenly be bombarded with medical bills. Granted, it usually doesn't involve all four members of our family but hey.....what can I say?

Well, I went to see my knee surgeon yesterday. Seems that blessed knee of mine has not been tracking quite so well. Now, as you know J., I don't have a medical degree but one might think I do by all the theories that I have on my knee. My husband swears I know everything. (he isn't serious J., he always says it sarcastically) Anyway, I was correct and incorrect all at the same time. I suspected I had a bone spur which was the cause of the tracking issue last time. Nope. no bone spur. It is however tracking to the right and there is only one fix and two options. The fix is surgery. INVASIVE surgery. Don't you like that word J.? Anyway, it is not something to take lightly and will involve some major time off and accommodations by all members of the family. The two options revolve around the "when". Option one is I can plan to have this surgery in the next two-three months and return to work just in time for our fourth quarter FYE exercises and renewals or, I can go without the surgery and risk injuring it and "forcing" the surgery. The last thing I want is to be injured on top of the surgery, but to make matters worse, forcing an emergency surgery could very well put me out in the middle of fourth quarter. I'm opting for doing the early surgery and reducing the affect it will have on our lives should I injure it.

So that's the medical side of our events the last few days.

We have some good friends who have exited the military and will be living nearby. YEA! We are so excited about their relocation. We've invited them to stay with us until they can close on their house and I'm looking forward to that as well. It means I have to give up having the house to myself while my husband is off at the youth retreat but for good friends, I can do it.

I've also been missing my mom lately J., There are songs on the radio that remind me of her, television shows with characters that remind me of her, or there is mother daughter interaction that makes me long for her. Even if we didn't have a good relationship I still miss interacting with her. I don't miss fighting with her though. We shared our medical knowledge with each other. Or our lack of :-)

Sometimes I'm relieved that she's gone because she isn't suffering and I know she hated having the colostomy and the urostomy. I found some film that needed to be developed last week. A roll of it was of my mother. The kids had taken it on one of their visits. I was taken aback when I opened the envelope and was confronted with her in her wheelchair. She was so emaciated. She had always been rather plump and full. In the last few years, she had gotten so tiny that she was barely there. Literally skin and bones. The last time I saw her, her spine was sticking out from her back. I could make out minute details. She had no fat on her bones at all. Her flesh hung on her like it was 10 sizes too big. I still cannot believe she is gone. I think about what I have been told about her last day and all those events and I just find it incredible. I just have a hard time grasping the reality of her death.

Maybe soon J., when more time has passed.

The Voice of Truth

Dear J.,

Casting Crowns (a christian music group) has a song entitled "The Voice of Truth". The song is about leaping out in faith but how satan tells us lies about how we "can't" do those things that God tells us that we can do. It refers to two specific bible related events. One, when Peter climbs out of the boat and walks on water toward Jesus, who is holding out His hands to Peter. Peter, loses faith and starts to sink, Jesus reaches out and saves him. He admonishes Peter for not trusting Him. The second event is David and Goliath. He is facing this giant with only a sling and a stone. He's surrounded by warriors dressed in armor who are literally shaking in their shoes. David ends up bringing the giant down.
The singer talks about how different voices (that of both the crashing waves and of the giant) tell him he can't do it. The refrain goes like this:

The Voice of Truth (Jesus) tells me a different story,
The Voice of Truth says DO NOT BE AFRAID.
The Voice of Truth says This if for My Glory.
Out of all the voices calling out to me,
I will choose to listen and believe the Voice of Truth.

That song means alot to me as it should to anyone who hears it. And I mean truly hears it. We are not to listen to the voices that say we can't win. They are liars. The only voice we should listen to and BELIEVE is the Voice of Truth. Jesus assures us we can do ALL things through Him (Phil 4:13). He also says that we can move a mountain if we have faith as small as a mustard seed. Wouldn't it be wonderful that we could obtain that level of faith (a mustard seed is incredibly tiny so even the most faithful among us has very little faith if it only takes that of a mustard seed to accomplish such a feat) that we could move a mountain?

But, some of us do move mountains. They are emotional mountains (the physical mountain is actually what is being referred to in that verse so please don't take liberties about what you think is implied).

Daily, I have to remind myself that Jesus is Truth. He will never lie to me or mislead me. I need only truly believe to accomplish all that I wish. But my wishes must be in line with His word. He desires to give us more than what we have. But it is not what the world says we should want. He's there, holding out Hands, encouraging you to "climb out of the boat" we're in and walk to him on the crashing waves. He is in the realm of the unknown and we have so little experience with all He can do. To many people, His miracles are stories we have read in a book. We know them to be true but what would we do if a miracle was performed before our very eyes. And it was SO obvious that there was no denying it? Such as the water into wine? The feeding of the five thousand? Wouldn't that be incredibly awesome?

And why do we doubt the Voice of Truth? We are so easily suckered into Satan's traps because we don't have faith. Or patience. Or trust. Even though in our heads, we KNOW we can trust Him....but a part of us holds back. Clinging to the control (our perception of control).

But for me, and for others, I will listen to and believe the Voice of Truth. And I desire to have others come to the same place and do the same. Satan is all that God is not. We have to shut out those other voices and listen to the one real voice of Jesus Christ.

My Dad

Dear J.,

I love my dad, J. Most people generally do. But he is a special man. Most people think that too. I have always said that he is the perfect dad....for me. God knew just who to give me for a dad. My dad is my protector, my friend and he has always been there for me. He would take me everywhere and he taught me alot about people. And God.

He would come to see me in my school programs. He'd take me hiking, fishing, shooting, traveling, and anything else in between. He didn't, however, take me to the doctor. My mother was awarded that duty. He preferred to be the one I'd come home to to tell him how bad the visit was. He would always offer sympathy and hugs.

I spent many hours on his lap while he rocked us both in his rocker. Most night, he'd go to bed and I'd climb in beside him, wrapped up in his arms. That is, until my mom came and woke me up or carried me to bed. He would "lecture" me about life, and people, and boys. He started that conversation as early as he could. I barely knew what a boy was when he started telling me what a boy wanted. And that was ONE THING. That's what I called it for a long time. ONE THING. And he let me know that they would do ANYTHING and say ANYTHING to get it. That is true. But not ALL boys wanted just ONE THING. Some of them wanted TWO THINGS.

He enjoyed being with me and I enjoyed (and still do) being with him. I loved to tag along and he never minded. He often invited me to go places. He never left me without telling me. That was something my mom did alot. He was on a pretty tight schedule, my dad. He left for work at the same time everyday and he came home at the same time everyday. And he usually took the same route. When I was little and even through grade school, I would make it home just before he did. I'd climb the tree outside the house and wait for him. When I heard his car come around the corner, I'd get real still and wait for him. Sometimes he'd come straight to the tree looking for me. When he found me, I'd giggle and we'd laugh. Other days, he might go straight inside to use the restroom. He had only one good functioning kidney and that meant he had to accommodate his body not make his body accommodate him. But in a few minutes, he'd be out the door, looking for "his girl". On a rare occasion, he might get sidetracked. My mother would look out the window and see me waiting....and knowing how stubborn I was and how much I looked forward to it, she'd have to remind my father (and not always nicely) that he "forgot" about me. He'd come right out and I would be rewarded with him pretending he couldn't find me. Then he'd climb up the tree to "look" for me. And then, sometimes, I'd switch trees. That was fun. I loved to make him laugh.

He took me hunting....not very often. As much of a tomboy that I was, hunting didn't thrill me. And it was often frustrating as it meant I had to be quiet and sometimes, that was just impossible for me. I was a very vocal and opinionated child. People ALWAYS knew where they stood with me.

I remember walking the creek with him. He'd point out animal tracks. Or we'd canoe in the creek. Or just walk the trails looking for something to discover. He'd point out things about nature. How animals behaved and what they left behind. He'd show me how to mark a trail so that if I was ever lost in an area, I could find my way out. He taught me self defense in case someone took me. He taught me how to defend myself with my mind and with my body. He taught me psychology. He taught me about love. He demonstrated unconditional love. He taught me about commitment. He taught me about sin. He also taught me he wasn't perfect. He taught me to recognize a political liar. Which, by the way, tends to be all of those involved.

He taught me about Jesus and took me to church. When death entered in, he helped me understand and comprehend. He helped me deal with loss. He showed me about bad decisions.
He taught me about good decisions. He protected me from my mother. He taught me to be independent but to never give up on love. He tried to teach me how to protect my heart but I had to learn that lesson the hard way. He held my hand when my heart was broken. He always took a tear whenever I'd cry. He'd "save" it in his pocket. He drove me places despite it being inconvenient for him. When I got older and twisted my knee the first time, he was there to take me to the hospital. And there was more than one of those trips. He took me on my first plane trip. He drove me to state parks near and far and we'd hike and see the beautiful places God had created.

He cleaned his ears with a bobby pin or the end of his key. He was always jangling coins in his pocket (and he always had coins so that he could feed the coffee machine at his factory). If he wasn't jangling coins, he was playing with his car keys. He rarely "owned" a car. He was always trading up. He'd get to the last couple of payments and off he'd go and he'd come home with a new car. I caught that habit and I don't make it much past year two. Three times I have managed to hold onto a car about 4 years.

He would take me to the relatives to sell whatever the school was having me sell. Then he'd take me to deliver it and collect money. And he always bought from me. He told me many stories about his childhood and his days in the army. I have heard many of those stories many times. I can almost relate them by heart but I love, more than anything, to hear him tell me those stories. I learned from him. He learned from me. I learned to see the funny side of things. The good things. I learned that there was bad in the world. Where some parents protect their children from bad, mine showed me the bad and taught me about it. How else can you deal with it.

He encouraged me and I rewarded him with being a well behaved child. Most of the time. I had a few times of trouble but nothing compared to what other kids were doing. I worried about him. I never wanted to lose him. I once made a deal with God that if he would only let my father live to see his grandchildren, I would be happy. But they had to be my kids that he saw, not just my brothers'. I worried he would never see my graduation. He did. I worried that he'd never see me marry. He did. Too many times probably. I wanted to give him a granddaughter. He has one. When my brother had two girls, I asked God to allow me to give him a grandson. He did. For him, his granddaughter is a lookalike of his daughter. But she is her own person. It is fun for him to teach her the things he taught me and she is in love with him as I was at her age. She'd do anything for her papaw.

When I got old enough to drive, I saw the first of "reversals" take place. No longer did he drive me alot of places...I started driving him. He used to drag me to gun shows over the years....and I swore I wouldn't go to any when i got older. Now, I found myself driving him to the gun shows. When we took trips, I drove. It just tired him out. And my driving, well, it was nice for him to relax. He never demanded that I listen to his music. I liked most of his anyway but he let me listen to anything I wanted. (it spoiled me something awful--just ask my kids)

I swore I'd never leave him. I told each husband I would not leave my dad. Each one knew that that was the one thing they wouldn't ask me to do. But God had different plans for me. He moved me to Oklahoma. With tears in my eyes, my husband and I drove away and moved our family 800 miles away. Without my father. God taught me I could live without him around the corner and not in my eyesight every day. I miss him something terrible. When I go home, we fall into a familiar routine. I drive him places, take care of things for him, and he showers me with hugs. I love to go home and see him. He is losing his hearing and after years of fussing, he finally got a hearing aid. Now, if he will only wear it.

Every few months, I record a CD and send it to him. He loves to hear me sing. Not that I'm spectacular (if I was, I'd be making some money!), but I am good. He has always enjoyed listening to me. I enjoy making the CD for him.

He used to always help me financially. If I needed help, he was there to provide. Now, I help him. I have the money put directly into his account and he fusses at me to have it stopped. I refuse. It is a small amount but over the years, it has added up and it helps him. Like he helped me.

He and I planted tulips for a few years when I was growing up. It is one of his favorite flowers. It is also mine. It is a reminder of those times we spent planting. We often do things in ignorance too. Like the time we were driving home from visiting my brother in North Carolina. He saw a pine tree. He made me pull over and he just dug two of them right up out of the ground. He placed them in the back of the car and we headed home. I told him that he couldn't do that. That they would die. It was twelve hours to the house. We pulled up, and he planted those trees, fed them some Miracle-Gro and I'll be darned if they didn't start growing! They lived for years. I was impressed. And, in my own ignorance, I have also managed to keep some plants. I usually kill things that I want to live. (plants) So when we moved and I found that the owners had planted flowers that I didn't particularly care for, I dug them up. I tossed them over the creek line and was glad to be rid of them. I had killed them. NOT. The next spring, I noticed them popping up all over the side of the creek line. Right where they had landed the year before. Every year they pop up. As we speak, they have sprouted and will bloom within the next few weeks. I think they are day lilies. I call them "Back from the dead lilies".

I call my dad often and despite his hearing problem I enjoy every conversation. I still worry about him, especially since my mom has passed. I was always prepared for him to go first. Not my mother. It took me by surprise. Now I live in fear of losing my dad. I need to go home and see him but I just haven't been able to yet. I went home just before Christmas to see him. I rarely get home on the holidays anymore. As a matter of fact, we don't even traditionally celebrate Christmas any more. It has become a real celebration of Christ's birth but not what the world does as far as celebrating. I detest the music and the commercialism that exploits my Savior. My dad does too. We are alot alike, he and I. I have my mother's looks but my dad's freckles. I have his heart and his mind. I have his independence. I have made him proud. At least that is what he tells me. That is all I ask for.

I thank God for giving me my father. And for allowing me to see the kind of father he is. I am grateful God has shown me all he has done and that I appreciate it and show him as much. I love him so much it hurts. I would never dream of hurting him and rarely do. If I do, it is by accident. I am most unhappy if my father is displeased with me and I have, over the years, strived to keep his disappointment to a minimum. I can say so much more about my father, J., but I must stop writing for now. I'll re-visit him again later.